The Weasl Baby
by Uzumaki-Black Hybird
Summary: wherein Hermione's a prankster, Charlie Became a Nun and Teddy's a screamer. ( or that time when there was no Coffee and it was all Ron's fault).


Warning: This Fic contains Crack, Crack and Surprise surprise MORE Crack so Beware

It also contains Swearing.

Disclaimer: I Clearly do not own Harry Potter It belongs to J.K Rowling,

I reckon if I did own Harry Potter Series ,I'd be richer.

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AN/ yes I know I ignored the fact that magic doesn't work well with electronics, but that's the purpose of the story, it's CRACK.

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1\. Ron the Fainter

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Harry officially decided this was the worst day _in his life._

Ronald, the _utter jerk_ he calls his best friend decided to wake him up at _5 am_ in _the bloody morning_ panicking because Hermione dropped the bomb yesterday and told him she was pregnant.

Harry thinks Ronald just got out of the trance he was in yesterday (or was awake enough that he actually thought through the meaning of the word),

You wouldn't believe the amount of times he has fainted.

* * *

2\. George Weasley and the Muggle Video Camera

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The best thing was that Hermione told him during the Sunday dinner

the Sunday dinner that was attended by all the Weasleys (including Ron's brothers and their Wives/Girlfriends and

their Children), several members of the Order, (those who survived the war anyway, and isn't that a mood killer?)in addition to past member of the DA including but not limited to the

resident Greenhouse Neville Longbottom and Their very own Luna Lovegood.

in conclusion, Ron's reaction was witnessed by a large mass of people, _and_ documented by George via Muggle _video camera_ (Harry curses the day Hermione introduced George to Muggle electronics).

( Harry wonders if somehow Hermione for was related to the Marauders for that stunt of hers but then suddenly banishes that thought

Because there are some things that _just aren't supposed to be thought about_

 _This is one of those things._ )

* * *

3\. Teddy the Screamer

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Ron's reaction to Hermione's announcement was _hilarious_ because everything concerning Ronald is funny and that time it was twice as funny,

Harry had no problem laughing at him.

Until he realized that with him being the Godfather of the kid-and that'd a given- means they will dump the kid with him a lot.

Then it wasn't as funny.

It was even less funny when Hermione chose to remind him of Teddy's days as resident Screamer and that any Weasley child would be twice as loud , (Teddy clearly inherited more than his Metamorphmagus ability from the Black family, including his voice which can and does reach a level only the deceased Walbarga Black could reach)

Harry already mourned the days of peace and quite.

* * *

4\. the ominous P word

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 _I guess he just realized now that he's going to have a kid, a mini Ron/Hermione clone that soon will running around the house_ thought Harry , and Harry being the _good supportive (_ disturbingly murderous ) best friend he is ( _can't a person get some bloody decent sleep without people banging on_

 _his door when the sun hasn't even appeared?!) _let Ron in and told him to _calm the fuck down, yes you're going to be a good dad. No your kid isn't going to_

 _hate you, and yes he and everyone will be there for you two._ And finally Ron stopped panicking.

.

.

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Then he began panicking again ''Bloody Hell mate! I don't know a _thing_ about taking care of kids _whatamigoingtodo?!''_ Ron was hysterical by the time he finished talking, Harry had the urge to roll his eyes.

He resisted.

Instead he hit Ron over his head.

Because honestly?

Harry didn't know why Ron was the one panicking since Hermione is _the fucking pregnant one_ who has to deal with getting filled up like a balloon and oh god _giving birth.(_ and Harry knows that giving birth _sucks_ and is _painful_ because fuck he studied things like that when he decided to be a Healer-and no

matter what Malfoy says being a healer isn't a pansy's job- and appearently to be healer you have to be prepared for _all_ emergencies since _Competent Healers_ _as a whole were quite rare and are in demand all the time _and yes that includes being prepared if there's no Medi-Wife to help the woman- here Harry pauses

to give a full body shiver- _give birth_ )

Then again, Ron's the one who has to deal with Hermione and her cravings and- Harry pauses to cackle a bit- _her mood swings._

(Hermione alone is terrifying to deal with but adding that to her being pregnant?)

.

.

Harry suddenly had more sympathy for Ron and the desire to move far far away, like Planet Neptune far because like hell he'll be dealing with overly emotional, vaguely psychotic terrifying _pregnant female._

(Harry thinks that the word pregnant shouldn't sound this ominous).

* * *

5\. Ronald the Cheerio Monster

.

After Ron had finished panicking and eating his nervousness away _with Harry's food_ and then going away with a _thanks mate, you helped a lot_ while still

crunching the Cheerios he found- _and where the bloody hell did he find that? Harry didn't even know he had them!-_ leaving Harry awake at 5 am in the

morning with a half empty Fridge – I just shopped yesterday! Harry thought while crying anime tears- and a headache the size of Mount Everest.

And still with _no food._

 _I hate my life_ Harry wanted to say but then paused because that sounded vaguely angsty – _vaguely? more like overly_ _a voice in his head_ _snorted-_ and instead

decided to say something better instead.

''I hate Ron'' Harry said aloud.

He decidedly felt better after that.

* * *

6\. Voldemort the Peace Advocator

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After Harry had showered –no use in going back to sleep now- and got dressed he began his morning routine and searched the cupboard for coffee.

Harry then to a horrifying realization, a realization that would shake the whole world, a realization so disturbing the whole human race would have a heart attack from it.

There's no coffee.

The sky was green, the grass was blue, the sun rose from west and _Voldemort could be declaring world peace and still it would be less disturbing because **THERE'S NO BLOODY COFFEE**_

* * *

7\. the morale of the story? Mums are Seers

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Meanwhile Elsewhere,

Charlie- who was with talking with his old Classmate who was rapidly becoming his Friend – _and hopefully more than that,_ he thought lecherously- felt a shiver down his spine. And it wasn't because he was thinking about Anne in a totally inappropriate way.

''Are you okay Charlie?'' asked Anne –Charlie's *cough* _friend*_ cough*-clearly concerned as she looked upon her pale faced companion.

''I feel as if someone just danced on my grave'' he replied to Anne who looked left and right as if whoever made Charlie feel this way was hiding around here somewhere.

Charlie tried to think if he did something horrible to anyone the past week he has been here that merits him feeling as if he's being hunted down by a vicious Predator and he's it's next meal,

Then he froze as he remembered in particular detail the day he visited Harry.

The day he drank from Harry's Coffee.

The day he _**finished**_ Harry's Coffee.

 _SHIT,_ Charlie thought.

The same Coffee he promised himself to replace because the world as a whole doesn't deserve to meet a coffee-deprived Harry.

The same Coffee he was about to buy when he bumped into Anne– _beautiful Anne with her shiny blonde her and perfect body and-_ and they began to catch up, with Charlie forgetting all about the Coffee in favor of this goddess in front of him.

 _DOUBLE SHIT._

Charlie had the sudden urge to run far away, and become a Nun.

His mother always said that his Playboy ways will come to bite him in the arse one day,

he just didn't know it'd be this way.

 _Never again!_ Thought Charlie sobbing , knowing his end was near.

Anne was confused as to why her new friend was crying but ignored him in favour of eating her Ice Cream.

''This is really great Ice Cream'' said Anne to Charlie who only sobbed harder.

* * *

8\. Beast Mode

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Back to Harry, who was frozen with the horror he felt upon this discovery, he felt disconnected from the world with only two words playing in his head like a broken recorder

No coffee

 **no coffee**

 ** _no coffee_**

 _ **NO COFFEE?!**_

The sheer _Horror_ Harry felt upon realizing the meaning of these words was huge.

And as Harry entered his **_BEAST MODE_** with only one goal in his mind – _ **CoffeeCoffeCoffeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeCoffeeCOFFEE-.**_

The Wizarding World as a whole felt shivers down their spines.

They had created a monster.

 ** _TO BE CONTINUED_**


End file.
